What turns you on?

[beetiger]

There's been various and sundry banter around my friends' list lately about good words for orientations that don't clearly fit in the straight/bisexual/gay paradigm very well.

I tend to use "pansexual" myself, but I don't mind the implications that I like my lovers out in the woods with flutes and hooves, or that I've got an unnatural fondness for cookware. But, still, it's sort of wrong -- although I find my self attracted to people kind of across the board in terms of standard categories, I'm certainly not attracted to everyone.

I fit somewhat in the sapiosexual world -- I find myself drawn to passionate, brilliant people who are engaging conversationalists, who think of things I never would have thought of on my own, and who haven't lost their spirit of play. (Sometimes, these sorts even like me too!) And to use the terminology of a friend, I don't have much of a gender fetish.

But there's no question there are still physical features I find attractive, and that they differ somewhat by the gender of the person. I like cushy, cozy women, but I don't care much for that style in men. I like tall and dramatic types; if you can look dark and mysterious without crossing over into goth, that works for me. I like androgyny in any gendered person, and am especially intrigued when I can't quite tell at first. I like genderplay, if the person looks confident in their style -- men in corsets and women in ties always get my attention. The main "masculine" feature I like is facial hair; clean cut but masculine looking men do nothing for me. I like unmanicured pretty, girl-next-door types. I like boy parts. I like girl parts. I don't care if your parts don't match the standard-issue specifications. I like people who take up an unusual amount of personal space -- either dramatic presences who radiate around the room, or shy retiring types who blossom when youve taken the time to get to know them.

I've always said that the problem with these disucussions of orientation is that people seem to need to sum it up in a word or two, and so people with complex attractions get lost in trying to find a label.

I invite you to leave a comment here, using as many words as you like, sharing what attracts you.

Comments

[elven-wolf.livejournal.com]

I've had the same sort of mental quest myself for a long time now. I pretty much accepted heterosexuality as the norm while I was growing up (was raised Catholic, didn't have much of a choice there), so I didn't really click on bisexuality until I was exposed to the idea in my teenage years. I did my sort of exploration during that time and I think I've almost but not really come full-circle. I don't consider myself anything in terms of sexual 'identity'. I don't even consider myself female, or male for that matter, though I have attributes of both. I can find people of both genders equally attractive, but I don't find myself 'attracted to' them in a sense. If that makes any sense. I like looking at people I find attractive, but most of the time the attraction stems from personality rather than a specific attribute. I couldn't say I like a certain body type, because my current tastes include the tall and skinny and the short and squishy. And most of the time, my brain ends up wanting to see them getting it on with each other rather than wanting me to get it on with them. *lol* I guess I've turned sex into a spectator's sport. I figured out early on I liked being in control of a fantasy rather than having to deal with flawed reality. *lol* Not very interesting that way, I guess.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. My range of tastes in women is a lot broader than it in for men I particularly love women in glasses, cozy naturel coffeehouse lesbian types with a little bit of meat on their bones.

Facial hair on either gender is generally a huge turnoff, though I've known enough transwomen that a little bit of stubble on a feminine face isn't the mild squick that it used to be. The less masculine a male is, the more likely I am to be attracted to them -- rugged is okay, but it has to lean in sort of an "elven ranger" direction. Lean is good for shaggy guys. On any guy, something that conveys gentleness, bookishness, or androgyny is a near-must. Long hair is almost a requirement, though it can be made up for with a little bit of foppishness.

Conventional gender extremes turn me way off. Women with pouty lips, silicone implants, and all that don't really do it for me. The engineers in the upstairs of my office have a stack of Maxim swimsuit issues in their bathroom, and every one of those HOTT BABES looks like she might start lowing at any moment. Yuck. >_<

Hippies are good. Goths are good. Beatniks are very good -- maeveenroute gets 50 points for her choice in eyewear, alone. (And you, Bard, and she each get another 250 for being able to make esoteric social science puns. :) ) Anyone who has a little hint of the fantastic or whimsical in their daily streetwear -- a little bit of ornate eye makeup, an unnatural hair color, or a dusting of glitter will drive me wild. I've followed pretty glampunk boys and girls for blocks from their lairs around the Harvard subway station just to get a better glimpse of their outfits.

And Josh, the F2M who was part of Raven Kaldera's entourage at TransBound, still rivals Rik as one of the cutest guys I've ever seen. I could see myself ending up a tranny-chaser in both directions, now. :)

[lediva.livejournal.com]

I invite you to leave a comment here, using as many words as you like, sharing what attracts you.

*smirk* You. :)

[blither.livejournal.com]

Heh.

I'm really tired, so I'll allow myself a bit of flippancy here.

If they can sell me a bill of goods, flay me alive and leave me feeling useless and ugly...I'm going to be attracted, big time.

I don't want to be attracted to anyone ever again.

I think I'm probably stubborn enough to make this happen. =D

[dasnarrenschiff.livejournal.com]

It kind of puzzles me, does sexuality. It's all so constructed, be it your heteronormative mass-culture or the equally rigidly self-policed and homogenised (bad pun) gay scene... even alty fringe types favourite sex game seems to be pulling the wool over their own eyes. It hurts my tiny little brain. I don't particularly mind constructed "artificial" things, but it does tend to get a bit po-faced and synthetic at times, and drains some of the passion from talking about sex. But then, even acting natural is constructed, so boo hoo hoo me.

What I find attractive seems very mutable, who's to say something unattractive isn't just a taste I've yet to acquire? Other old favourites fall from favour (women, in my case). I am not adverse to strange musical lovers from the forests, certainly! I like playfulness, definitely. Music or any of the arts is fairly wonderful, too. I have a bizarre fetish for redheads, which is probably just some kind of narcissism. Languages turn me on, so does intelligence, though not necessarily being erudite. Strength, physical or otherwise, is attractive.

All fairly obvious and dull stuff, really. I am such an old-fashioned type.

He must also like axolotls and messy dreadlocks.

[susandeer.livejournal.com]

I fit somewhat in the sapiosexual world -- I find myself drawn to passionate, brilliant people who are engaging conversationalists, who think of things I never would have thought of on my own, and who haven't lost their spirit of play.

That's what I like, too @:) These things have physical links that are attractive to me as well: a mischevious smiles, twinkling eyes, confidence of motion. I also love long hair, goatees, and sensitiveness (physically...big, red, candy-like buttons to push!)

[lipitor.livejournal.com]

For me, nuance and fluidity of motion are big turn ons. I can appreciate a womans body, but as far as sexual desire is concerned, I think the reason I've never been attracted to women is primary because I'm not attracted to the way women move. The shape of a man is so alluring - the line of his neck, the shape of his shoulders, it's just amazing. The overall difference in muscle structure is showcased in the way a man moves. I love male forearms and how you can see the muscles moving. Men with deep voices are always exciting. Im attracted to the gender differences. I know my own parts well and when it comes to sexual release, I'm just not interested in playing with parts like my own.

On an emotional level however, I have been attracted to women and have had "crushes" but I was never really intereted is taking it anywhere since the sexual desire wasn't there. I'm happy being friends with women and having full love affairs/relationships/lusting after men...well actually.....man......Orb is so hot!:)

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

Funny you should mention this; the discussion came up briefly at the last furmeet held in my home.

I don't know what you'd call me. Technically, since I'm married to a male and sex with him doesn't repulse me, I'm probably a bisexual. However, outside of Simtra (who happens to be male) I find I have no attraction whatsoever to the opposite sex. If I'm randomly looking, it's always the females who attract my attention and ellicit the sort of thoughts most would associate with sexual attraction.

Simtra has theorized that our attraction might be there because he possesses some decidedly effeminate traits.

I have no idea what it is.

[just-the-ash.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I can't comment effectively because I'm laughing too hard at your comment about not having either a faun-with-flute or cookware fetish. :>

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

It's an interesting question. I've found my tastes changing over the years. When I first came out, I told people I was bi, and I kept ending up in relationships with men. The men had, generally, only one thing in common: they were geeks. I had no idea what I found attractive in women -- it was generally a sort of reaction of "Woman!" plus "Might be interested!" Or, simply, "She's my friend, therefore she's hot."

As the years have gone on, though, I've had some time to analyze my reactions to men, and there's a curious and uncomfortable blank spot in there. I have a really visceral, dizzy sort of attraction to (some) women, while any sort of attraction I have to a man generally involves a great deal of actively not thinking about it, if that makes any sense. So, over time, I've simply concluded that my preferences are pegged 'way 'way over on the Kinsey scale, and much of my attraction to men in the past has either been motivated by an attraction to their attraction to me, or a deep and abiding attraction to the person inside (spillover from that "My friend, and therefore hot!" reaction I mentioned earlier).

I've got a thing for hippie sorta-butch women :) (long-haired a plus!). Femme cues tend to put me off, possibly as a leftover from my years of desperate longing after my impossibly straight, slightly femme friends. Women who are also geeks, and therefore speak the same cultural language I do? Head-explodey.

I expect that even a woman who is high femme could turn my head if her brain was sufficiently sexy, though.

I'm almost never attracted to a woman who is notably older than I am. While I think that a lot of the older dykes I met last year at Land Dykes were pretty attractive, there was never an... *oomph* sort of lust in reaction to meeting them.

In terms of pure aesthetics (where dating is never an option), I note that while redheads will make me whip my head around for a second look (real redheads, especially with long, wavy hair; I seem to be fairly good at seeing the difference between natural and dye, or maybe it's just the difference between natural/good dye and bad dye), I'm much more likely to walk away from the muscular, probably-straight-but-covered-in-a-layer-of-dirt-because-she's-a-farmer woman and say, intensely, "GODS SHE'S CUTE!"

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Brains. I like brains. Smart, witty ones that think similarly-enough to mine that we can understand each other, and differently enough to be fun to bounce off of.

Mostly, I'm attracted to androgynous-to-femme. It may just be that I've never met someone really butch who's also smart in the ways that're compatible with me.

Physical. Mm. Slim and sleek. Except when I find my attention caught by a nice pair of breasts. I feel so male sometimes when looking at shapely, large breasts turns me on, because it's just so... simple and direct... for someone who often requires elaborate narrative to really get turned on.

I like shameless displays of genderqueerness. A boy in a dress, a girl in a suit - that can be hot, if, as you say, they're confident with themselves.

Creation is hot, too. There are several artists who turn me on partially because they're artists. All of them are female; take from that what you will.

I like mystery. What will they do now? You never quite know. It'll fit in with what they've done before, and you can trace the reasons, but you won't see it coming.

I like bare skin. I like hints of the alien: "wrong" skin colors or hair, odd patterns added on. (Though tattoos do next to nothing for me. Perhaps it's that my design sense is so far away from that of most tattoos.)

I don't trust the attraction to body as much as I trust that to mind.

[redbird]

I love the "mood" entry here.

Brains/personality. Long hair. I'd been saying for years that, basically, I'm attracted to some of the people I've already come to know well. Then I met adrian_turtle and fell for her almost immediately, a data point that challenges that label.

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[melskunk.livejournal.com]

I like who I like, which is a variety of physical and gender types, really. I tend to like physical extremems in men: long and slim, often with dark hair and/or glasses, short and stocky and muscular (bear shape without the paunch), often only a bit taller than me, round and chubby, but well proportioned so they look and feel cosy, not overstuffed in a bad way.

Women it tends to be small and elfin, though I only reciently relised that, slight women that are either blond with tiny, adorable pixie noses and mischevious smiles, or sultry, gorgeous dark haired women with a touch of dark to their skins and full lips... *sigh* A little more meat on that type is preferable. Mmmm... Annie Lennox, you crossdressing sexy bastard!

And that's not even going into kinks, such as guys dressed as girls and girls dressed as guys :9 Oh gosh, a lady in a uniform or a guy in a skirt is an immediate head turner for me. I'm blushing just thinking about it.

But getting beyond the physical, I like people who I can talk to as well. Someone I could have a conversation like this about is much more attractive than someone I couldn't. I've dated nice and stupid, and they're nice... but stupid. Not worth it. Ultimately, I like and am attracted to people I could stay up all night having a heady conversation with, though obviously not ALL people I do that with :)

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

I like people who are squishy.
I like people who'll give me scritches.
I like dark hair.
I like people who are enthusiastic and laugh a lot.
And I definately prefer girls, since I haven't found anything really satisfactory to do with guys. It's not a really big deal at any rate, though.

Oh, and I dislike people making a really big deal out of this sort of thing. Definate turn off.

[akycha.livejournal.com]

Intelligence is sexy, but it has to be a particular sort of playful, thoughtful intelligence, the kind that looks at consequences, follows though, wonders about things and tries to look at them from odd angles. Creativity. But also an interest in the world, not simply in what is going on inside the head. There must be engagement. There must be wonder.

Androgyny and genderqueer things make me turn my head-- I like to look if the person does not fit in a box. That's attractive to the eye. Butch women are attractive to more than the eye!

I am generally not attracted to men. I don't find the idea repulsive, but I do find it... odd, which is in and of itself odd, given that I grew up thinking that I was het (like most people in our culture). I'm genuinely unsure what's attractive in males, although if men look feminine enough, I find them visually appealing-- the genderqueer thing again.

I find women of all sorts attractive, as long as I can see a real person there. It's generally the person, not a particular type, that I'm attracted to. It can be anything, really-- a sense of humor, or a particularly spicy body odor, or the shape of someone's hips or anything.

I admit to a fondness for hands.

I thought that people might be interested in Misia's fabulous essay on being "Sovereign." You can find it here: http://www.soapboxgirls.com/jul02/articles/rain1.html

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

That's a fabulous essay, indeed! THanks for sharing it.

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

You get one free hug if you ever make it to an FC where I am working - squishy, dark haired, scritchy girl-type person.

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

Heehee. Okay. }:)

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

I am rather unfortunately tied to the physical first, and to males that read as male specifically. Although I like them sleek, muscular or skinny as long as there is as much leg as there is chest. Football linebackers are ! sexy. I tend to like some drama or character to thier features, no Ken Dolls. They do not need to be pretty, but they do need to move well. And I am hugely tied to scent, which probably goes a long way to explaining the male bias since I've reacted to F2M as male/interesting sexually. Specifically, I like a clean, slightly sweet, spicey scent although I have several types of scent that work. I've hugged a crush's pillow while taking a nap on his bed and realized he smelled exactly like my Ex from college (as looked freakily like my first BF, so I was doomed, really).
But I don't go around randomly sniffing people's pits. That is not a fetish for me. So, before I get all wiffy with it, what turns me on is a male who is a good friend. I like my friends to be good conversationalist, but comfortable with silence. I like whimsey, and playing, and child-like wonder. I like obscure cultural connections, the cultural references don't need to be obscure, just connect my world in a new way. I like enthusiasm and joy. I like pragmatism and skills, probably from having the GOOD males in my family being master craftsmen and the BAD males being pseudo-intellectual wankwipes. It helps if they can or do sing, do anything musical and can dance/do a martial art. This last con a bunch of us started a spiral chainstep dance in the middle of a sarah mcwhatrever song and all of us knew what we were doing. An increadibly sexy moment, for me. So, I guess I want a properly perfumed bohemian/gypsy creator.

Hmm and I don't have a sexy icon. That has to be fixed.

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

You.

These months, that's about it.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

Exceedingly high intelligence, being a geek, a lack of concern for social and (especially) gender norms, being exceedingly articulate and a love of long conversations, being at least somewhat nocturnal. Also, androgynous people of all sorts as well as strong muscular butch women and somewhat femme men who are in moderately good physical shape (more wrt muscle tone than large muscles, which only turn me on in women).

[maeveenroute.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks. (Yep, that's going to have me grinning all day, you sweet panderer, you.)

As for my tastes? Well, it's no surprise that Bee's taste and mine overlap in a few significant places. :c)

Intelligence, humor, and the ability to sustain a conversation, either intense or nonsensical (and bonus points for both at once) are probably the only criteria that I consistently apply. Passion about *something,* preferably something you are personally engaged in, is very important, too. (Looking good in a kilt and speaking a foreign language, which I used to consider mandatory, are now merely in the "nifty" column.)

Kindness is also a must, though I've come to accept that in any pair of people, I'm likely to be the sappier, squishier one.

These are, of course, the things that *sustain* my interest. In the "ooh, pretty!" head-turning category, we have: long hair, high cheekbones, nicely-maintained facial hair (on guys), really dramatic eyes (very light, very dark, very big, super-lush eyelashes, etc.), voices on the deeper side, lips on the fuller side (naturally, not siliconed), dramatic hair color (bright red, black, or fanciful), and/or something I haven't seen before.

But when it comes to actual longer-term interest in someone, my background in disability theory makes it hard to see people as a bundle of body parts. It also makes me very excited about Deaf guys. ;cp

[lysana.livejournal.com]

I really dig men with long hair and beards. I'll take one if the other's absent, but both not being there takes a really good face/pair of eyes to counter the rest.

I have a taste for slimmer men than women, but I also like bearish men. It mostly means my preferred phenotype for men is a little broader. Whipcord women don't push my buttons.

I freely admit to a mental age limit. I have a range around my own age of 5-10 years in either direction where I will lose interest if the person's too far outside of it and has nothing else going for them that counterbalances it.

I am biased toward brunettes and redheads amongst whites. I can't quite state clearly when I find a black person attractive, though I know I show a pattern of responding more positively to mixed-race clues in their features. As for Asians... um, yeah. Japanese especially. Both genders. I think I'm definitely skewed toward mixed-race people regardless of combination.

I'm also pretty sapiosexual. If I can't have good, deep conversations with someone and agree to disagree when we know trying to continue would just bring pain, I'm not falling for them.

Confidence, yes. Bathing, please.

Good eyes regardless of color. I can't think of an eye shade I haven't appreciated somehow except albino pink.

I'm not that worried about whether the woman takes a while in front of a mirror if the results are honestly her. Using makeup as a fake-out is a bad thing to me.

[tikvah.livejournal.com]

I used to have particular types of people I became interested in. Lately, though, I've noticed people who normally wouldn't interest me, so I'm no longer trying to describe who I want, and I'm just letting life happen.

[cktraveler.livejournal.com]

This is pretty much what I would have said.

[maeveenroute.livejournal.com]

*smile* Yeah, that's probably a sensible approach, and one I should perhaps try, given the fact that my alleged 'criteria' keep getting re-defined. Dash it all if I don't keep looking for a pattern, though. ;c)

(By the way, hope it wasn't too odd coming up to you in person yesterday; I have a feeling I came across as a little star-struck. *grin*)

[tikvah.livejournal.com]

Huh? Do you mean tikva? I didn't meet anyone new yesterday. In fact, I didn't even leave my house.

[maeveenroute.livejournal.com]

How nice of you to occasionally settle for chopped liver. ;cp

[lediva.livejournal.com]

I said it first!

Then again, I suppose you have the Bee-loving thing over me by about a decade.

Alright, we'll call it a draw. :)

[maeveenroute.livejournal.com]

*blink* well, by golly, those are two different usernames.

That might explain some of what confused her, too.

*eyeroll at self*

[tikvah.livejournal.com]

You're not the first to get us mixed up, and you probably aren't the last. No worries on my end, and I'd bet not on hers either. ;-)

[kai-ta-loipa.livejournal.com]

It changes... right now I like men. Ascetic academic types. Blue eyes. Lean and lanky like a jungle cat. Perhaps slightly frazzled...the quirkier the better. Has the sort of mind that grasps philosophy or languages or music theory. Confident and independent and passionate about what they do. Must be witty.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Smart. Funny.

Androgyny is a plus.

*giggles* Liking me back is good, too, I guess.

[eetmewithtoast.livejournal.com]

Someone with a twinkle of mischief in their eye- the sure sign that they're a fellow Trickster. I drive people with small senses of humour absolutely nuts.

Smell . . . they have to smell like something I want to eat. If they use pink hand soap (the scourge of public bathrooms) I run away screaming.

I'd love to run my tongue over Nick Hexum's chiseled chest . . . I've never dated anyone with chiseled muscles, but I admire from afar.

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

That's one of those difficult questions: any broad principle I could state would have to be followed by a list of exceptions. One of the broad principles is that if you can explain why I used "could/would" in the previous sentence, then I'm a little attracted to you.

There are groups I'm not attracted to, men being the largest. There are men I'm attracted to, but that's very much the exception. I'm also not usually attracted to people that spend too much effort making themselves attractive, really thin people (because I was once too thin and so know what's wrong with it), and people who feel they can demand my attention by right.

I am attracted to people who can get me talking -- that's my biggest turn on. I'm normally very quiet; someone who can get me talking is *attractive*. I'm also attracted to people who laugh a lot, smart people, people who know by voice a grackle from a starling (or generally know a thing1 from a thing2 in their chosen field; knowledge is sexy), and women with dark hair and bangs.

I don't particularly like people who can read the last two paragraphs and then check to see whether they have dark hair and bangs to determine whether I'm attracted to them.

Livejournal is a personal medium. I can't help wondering if you're asking whether people find you attractive. Yes, I do.

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

Livejournal is a personal medium. I can't help wondering if you're asking whether people find you attractive. Yes, I do.

Actually, in this case, I totally wasn't. I was wanting a space for people to talk about themselves for real rather than fussing about labels. Until you mentioned it, I hadn't really thought of checklisting to see if I matched anyone's list of attractive features -- only whether my friends and I found similar things attractive.

But petting the bee is always welcome, so thank you. :)