Sun, surf, and segregation
Mar. 31st, 2003 12:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beetigerI’m back from a week of pure escapist lounging in Key West. I managed to get plenty of sun without collecting a sunburn, plenty of water while only getting slightly queasy once or twice, several slices of excellent Key Lime pie, the opportunity to commune with both stray cats and chickens and captive butterflies, and my recommended weekly allowance of drag shows. The week’s soundtrack was overall excellent, though lediva did lament the lack of Beach Boys. Most importantly, I got a well-needed big ol’ chunk of high-quality time with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lediva, who is just an amazingly wonderful person to be around.
We stayed at Pearl’s Rainbow, a women-only resort in the old part of Key West, and a perfect home base for wandering around. It was quirky and comfortable and populated by older-than-Spring-Breakers lesbian couples, who lounged around a pool surrounded by tropical plants, sunning themselves. It was cozy and safe feeling and just right. I’m not sure why part of me feels, on a gut level, that these people are more like me than the perfect-in-a-bikini 22 year-old Spring Breakers on the boats, without talking to either of them. It’s all physical stereotyping, and it makes me feel vaguely ashamed when I catch myself at it. Sometimes I feel like a real fake in lesbian spaces, me with the wedding ring and the phallic talisman tucked into my clothing and the sort of straightish look and the determinedly ambisexual spirit.
In general, I’m kind of conflicted about the fact that I really enjoy women’s spaces, gay or straight. I know so many gender-variant people who’d love to be welcomed into that kind of community, and just can’t for physical reasons manage it. I know people in male bodies who are much more safe/caring/loving/add-your-own-stereotype-here than some women that I know. I’ve been in women’s groups where people are gossipy, catty, and just not very nice, and ones where the main topic of conversation is male-bashing. And I can’t really put my finger firmly on what the difference in womanspace is, something that feels energetically different, something about the gender sameness that matters, even though by all reasonable rights it shouldn’t. Nevertheless I really crave it, especially in a spiritual/religious context.
Now I’m back in the office, with a lab bay filled with about seventeen quadrillion boxes that got sent to me during the week, a dusting of snow on the grass outside, and no increase in desire to hang out with my coworkers, whom I’m not sure noticed that I was gone. Life goes on.
lediva did lament the lack of Beach Boys. Most importantly, I got a well-needed big ol’ chunk of high-quality time with lediva, who is just an amazingly wonderful person to be around.We stayed at Pearl’s Rainbow, a women-only resort in the old part of Key West, and a perfect home base for wandering around. It was quirky and comfortable and populated by older-than-Spring-Breakers lesbian couples, who lounged around a pool surrounded by tropical plants, sunning themselves. It was cozy and safe feeling and just right. I’m not sure why part of me feels, on a gut level, that these people are more like me than the perfect-in-a-bikini 22 year-old Spring Breakers on the boats, without talking to either of them. It’s all physical stereotyping, and it makes me feel vaguely ashamed when I catch myself at it. Sometimes I feel like a real fake in lesbian spaces, me with the wedding ring and the phallic talisman tucked into my clothing and the sort of straightish look and the determinedly ambisexual spirit.
In general, I’m kind of conflicted about the fact that I really enjoy women’s spaces, gay or straight. I know so many gender-variant people who’d love to be welcomed into that kind of community, and just can’t for physical reasons manage it. I know people in male bodies who are much more safe/caring/loving/add-your-own-stereotype-here than some women that I know. I’ve been in women’s groups where people are gossipy, catty, and just not very nice, and ones where the main topic of conversation is male-bashing. And I can’t really put my finger firmly on what the difference in womanspace is, something that feels energetically different, something about the gender sameness that matters, even though by all reasonable rights it shouldn’t. Nevertheless I really crave it, especially in a spiritual/religious context.
Now I’m back in the office, with a lab bay filled with about seventeen quadrillion boxes that got sent to me during the week, a dusting of snow on the grass outside, and no increase in desire to hang out with my coworkers, whom I’m not sure noticed that I was gone. Life goes on.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 02:30 pm (UTC)So should I, Secanth, so should I. And that's not an option to me right now. Nor is it the owners of Heaven's Pearl obliged to provide that space -- any more than a turn-of-the-century country club owner is obliged to let those fractious, hot-blooded Jews, Italians, and Negroes onto his private property. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to stick it to FC here. Why? Why would she be uncomfortable? If it's because she's only seen me in the flesh 2-3 times and she's shy because she doesn't know how I react to things, that's one thing. If she has specific evidence for a particular stereotypically masculine trait of mine that would make her uncomfortable, like my temper, that's fine. If the scent of testosterone screws up her tactile nervous system, that's fine. :p But if she'd be uncomfortable cuddling with you around me because I'm biologically male, then I'm going to have to say that I don't think she has a very good rational basis for that discomfort. And I could totally, utterly sympathize with her past experiences if they've led her to that discomfort -- I'd be OK with an individual, especially a friend, pleading that the basis of their behavior was irrational and would I please respect it anyhow. If my male body or ~40% male personality bothered her, I would respect that. But supporting people's irrational prejudices, no matter how much those prejudices should be tolerated in the name of friendship and respect, is NOT appropriate behavior for a business, nor a government, nor any other institution. Again, if it's indecent for a business to cater to people's racial or classist prejudices and keep "those rabble" out, it's equally indecent to keep "those pigs" out no matter how much more comfortable it would make people with their prejudices. I'm sorry to have to say it in such blunt terms -- you know my affection for Mom-3 and Mom-4 is unshakeable and I would never hold a difference of opinion against you -- but I feel very strongly about this because it affects my daily life and my prospects for happiness as surely as the converse affects yours and FC's. There is more that unites than divides us and I am not so different from you.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 02:39 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-04-01 05:37 pm (UTC)Furthermore, I still haven't heard anyone stand up and tell me why, since black people have done things just as heinous to white people as whatever happened to your lover, and vice versa, it is not just as acceptable to create whites-only spaces -- or, for that matter, men-only spaces.
Secanth, you know that a great many of Runnerwolf and my friends from CWRU were abused or traumatized by their parents -- people 30 and over. And despite that, we love a great many people 30 and over. Imagine the coolest science fiction convention in the country, one to which all your friends were going, one at which certain things happened which did not and probably could not happen anywhere else in the world, things which are very close to your heart... Now, imagine that because of a few people who had been traumatized by the actions of older people there, the entire convention decided to bar all people over thirty.
How would that make you feel, Secanth? How would it make you feel to be told that, simply because of something which you can't help and take for granted about yourself, something you'd accepted and had never really had a problem with before, you are unworthy of our company at this convention? Wouldn't it sting just a little? Wouldn't you have to wonder just a bit why lil' ol' you is suddenly this big threat? Can't you imagine that, just for a moment, your self-confidence would be addled and all the stereotypes and fears associated with age would come knocking at the door, that you're too authoritarian, too prudish, too outmoded, just plain too obsolete? And if you failed to fend those fears off, can't you imagine that you might walk around for the rest of your life wondering if, no matter all the nice things your younger friends say about you, if some of these stereotypes aren't true?
no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 06:03 pm (UTC)But some traumas go far too deep to go away just because we wish them to....some take years of therapy just to LIVE with, much less overcome. And if you happen to be able to turn back time, by all means go back and deal with the root causes...because otherwise you have to deal with the results. Or rather, she and I deal with the results. I'd love to be able to make it all go away, let us both forget it, and move on...but sometimes it doesn't work that way.
Re:
Date: 2003-04-01 06:42 pm (UTC)Believe me, the issue of the masculine propensity for abuse and violence weighs pretty heavily on my mind, and it scares the hell of me that I'm even peripherally a part of it. It twists my soul and shatters my internal mirrors. I can't so much as raise my voice to Rik or Runnerwolf during a friendly argument without feeling like every heavy on every Lifetime movie of the week. I've wanted to put a fist through the window every time I've heard one of my female friends recount her suffering. I've seriously pondered taking a train to Canada to strangle the man who assaulted D*****n when she was younger. I've wanted to cut my balls off with a knife when I've second-guessed what that very capacity for indignant rage said about me and my prospects to become a gentle and loving human being, fully accepted by my friends as worthy of emotional intimacy. So yes... you could say I'm a little bit aware of the issue.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 06:49 pm (UTC)(((Hugs))) I remember a certain wall and a certain convention....and a certain conversation we had. (smile) I know it bothers you, believe me.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 07:20 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-04-01 07:21 pm (UTC)