Sun, surf, and segregation

[beetiger]

I’m back from a week of pure escapist lounging in Key West. I managed to get plenty of sun without collecting a sunburn, plenty of water while only getting slightly queasy once or twice, several slices of excellent Key Lime pie, the opportunity to commune with both stray cats and chickens and captive butterflies, and my recommended weekly allowance of drag shows. The week’s soundtrack was overall excellent, though lediva did lament the lack of Beach Boys. Most importantly, I got a well-needed big ol’ chunk of high-quality time with lediva, who is just an amazingly wonderful person to be around.

We stayed at Pearl’s Rainbow, a women-only resort in the old part of Key West, and a perfect home base for wandering around. It was quirky and comfortable and populated by older-than-Spring-Breakers lesbian couples, who lounged around a pool surrounded by tropical plants, sunning themselves. It was cozy and safe feeling and just right. I’m not sure why part of me feels, on a gut level, that these people are more like me than the perfect-in-a-bikini 22 year-old Spring Breakers on the boats, without talking to either of them. It’s all physical stereotyping, and it makes me feel vaguely ashamed when I catch myself at it. Sometimes I feel like a real fake in lesbian spaces, me with the wedding ring and the phallic talisman tucked into my clothing and the sort of straightish look and the determinedly ambisexual spirit.

In general, I’m kind of conflicted about the fact that I really enjoy women’s spaces, gay or straight. I know so many gender-variant people who’d love to be welcomed into that kind of community, and just can’t for physical reasons manage it. I know people in male bodies who are much more safe/caring/loving/add-your-own-stereotype-here than some women that I know. I’ve been in women’s groups where people are gossipy, catty, and just not very nice, and ones where the main topic of conversation is male-bashing. And I can’t really put my finger firmly on what the difference in womanspace is, something that feels energetically different, something about the gender sameness that matters, even though by all reasonable rights it shouldn’t. Nevertheless I really crave it, especially in a spiritual/religious context.

Now I’m back in the office, with a lab bay filled with about seventeen quadrillion boxes that got sent to me during the week, a dusting of snow on the grass outside, and no increase in desire to hang out with my coworkers, whom I’m not sure noticed that I was gone. Life goes on.

Comments

[tygermoonfoxx.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting the link to Pearl's Rainbow! I'm thinking that I might want to give myself a treat sometime and stay a weekend there by myself. It looks like it would be a lot of fun and I occasionally need to escape the husband.

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

It's a cool place -- I recommend it! Do check in advance, though, I think they may not be dog-friendly.

[tygermoonfoxx.livejournal.com]

In my particular case, it wouldn't matter....Florida law requires any establishment that has facilities open to the public to allow access to those of us with service animals. They probably don't allow pets, but Freyja isn't a pet.

[eetmewithtoast.livejournal.com]

Shit, you may be a fake-lesbian, but at least you have someone to go to cool womyn-only spaces like that one with.

At least your Bisexual Card is up-to-date. The last large stamp on mine is from 1996.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Sun, surf, and segregation

o/~ We're stabbing our brothers and sisters in the back I'm gonna say
Na, na na na na na, I ain't gonna play Sun City... o/~

I really wish I'd saved a copy of that challenge to single-gender spaces I sent off to aynjel's friend.

Lediva did lament the lack of Beach Boys

*punctuated, smirking silence*

*beat*

"Maybe Brian could've snuck in with a set of falsies."

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

*leers playfully at you* I think I've got one of those stamps around here somewhere....

Re:

[eetmewithtoast.livejournal.com]

Oh, no rush. You can bring it to my party. ;)

[werellama.livejournal.com]

I'm one of those women who wears a wedding ring, but likes to date girls :)

Also, I like womens groups too, but I don't get into typical "girly" things. You give me a room full of women who like to read, or like anthropology, or learning about world religons and oh my GOD I'd be in heaven!!! I like brainy girls. Oh that reminds me, Beetiger...will you sleep with me?

*giggles*

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

Well, I'd certainly be happy to talk anthropology and world religions with you!

And play Scrabble. Anybody who wants to get anywhere with me has to be willing to play Scrabble. :)

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

I really wish I'd saved a copy of that challenge to single-gender spaces I sent off to aynjel's friend.

I'd be curious to see it, if you find it or can reconstruct it. I'm sure you've got more to say than "it's discrimatory and I want in!", which is the usual argument. I think we've only discussed the topic briefly once before, and I was hard to understand at the time because I was wearing my new fangs.

And as I said above, I often feel quite torn that womenspace is so primally emotionally satisfying to me, because on an intellectual level the concept kind of disappoints.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you've got more to say than "it's discrimatory and I want in!"

I wish I were as sure as you. I can't help but feel they misidentify the thing they're trying to sort for. While that sorting is useful even if flawed, it does a hell of a lot of harm to people like me -- not just in terms of missed opportunities, but of the false distinctions it perpetuates. There's still ample room for compromise, but short of things like TransBound, the feminist community doesn't seem to waste any time worrying about whether their postgendered allies are getting the door slammed in their faces. As I pointed out to Sev (Aynjel's friend), I am not a mere auxiliary to feminism, nor a camp follower. Feminism is the intellectual root of all gender criticism in modern society (AFAIK?). There is no masculine alternative except for queer theory, which a) is an academic offshoot of feminism anyhow and b) doesn't really represent my own goals or identity in most forms. Women's spaces are the only spaces where some of these issues are being robustly discussed. If I must start a group of my own out in the parking lot... so be it, but the feminist movement will lose itself a potential supporter and I'll lose even more power.

I don't see why it's all right to filter out the entirety of the male sex regardless of behavior, because a few feel threatened by our presence as a whole, due of the actions or attitudes of a subset of people -- people who I, need it be pointed out, am not. It feels, in a very literal way, like visiting the sins of the father upon the child. Though it's the utter right of any citizen to operate or patronize any private group any way they like -- I even support the right of the Scouts to exclude homosexuals -- I think such exclusions on broad biological bases are socially counterproductive. Due to negative reinforcement and happenstance, I was wary around African-Americans for years. I was bullied and beaten regularly by a small group of them. The sociological forces that produced their behavior are real, widespread, and persistent. But how would you feel if I attended a whites-only vacation resort, or attended whites-only discussions about violence, to make sure that I would never repeat the experience?

If you can't make the distinction on the basis of real, consequential traits -- don't make them. Sev compares her desire to be in the company of women, for instance, to her desire to be in the company of her "favorite freaks." But these favored individuals have presumably been individually selected on the basis of their individual personalities, wits, and interests, correct? I do feel that, inevitable though it may be, to make the decision to exclude on the basis of such a broad, malleable trait as gender is "prejudice" by dictionary definition. It is a form of sexism that reinforces gender stereotypes and treats people as nothing more than their participation in a gender -- or their presumed participation. The women's movement presumes that feminine experience is unavailable to males, and I hold myself and my online experiences as evidence, however provisional and limited, that this is simply not the case. Though I retain a great many archetypally masculine traits -- some of which I'm sure would justly be unwelcomed in a feminist "safe space" -- how much lessened would those traits be, were I granted more opportunities to replace them with feminine ones? Once again... give us an "honorary womyn test" -- via ScanTron, if you must -- at the very least. Expand the definitions or collapse them, just don't presume that they are the things the women's movement asserts they are unless you are quite ready to defend the point to me at length. (Er, not directed at you, Bee, or at anyone in particular -- just possessed by the spirit of Emma Goldman again. ;) ) Otherwise, I'll continue believing that the feminist movement is, indeed, one of the very things that perpetuates and preserves the masculine traits to which it objects.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

FWIW, here's the entry that specifically inspired me to contact Aynjel's friend. You can probably imagine why it has me in a sour mood today, though I don't hold it against her, or you... Her entries on single-gender spaces provoked me a bit less. But I'm still intensely uncomfortable being spoken of as if oppression -- or even danger -- somehow mystically radiated off of me because I was born with a chromosome that ostensibly favors me in a number of enterprises, or predisposes me towards a number of behaviors, in which I don't even have an interest.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

And frankly, yes, it does offend me that I would attain at least grudging admittance to some of these gatherings if I subjected myself to months of hormone treatments and plastic surgery, as if the shape of my cheekbones, the slope of my larynx, and the particular variety of hormonal goo secreted through my brain could somehow determine my worthiness to participate. You know I despise that brand of biological reductionism. I'm almost tempted to make a classist argument here -- I'm uninsured, lower-middle class, and already in the work force (as opposed to a more fluid lifestyle like school or retirement), so it would be prohibitively difficult for me to have a full medical sex change at this stage of my life -- no matter how much I would embrace the change. So I should be locked out because, not to put too fine a point on it, I can't afford the admission fee? I've heard of clubs changing different amounts to women and men at the door... but $40,000 versus nothing is a bit steep, don't you think?

Re:

[werellama.livejournal.com]

Wendy makes me play scabble too *giggles*!

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

Well spoken. More on this later, if I have more energy...but I just wanted to state briefly that I feel really differently about primarly political or academic spaces such as the "feminist movement", which I strongly feel should be open to anyone with something to add, and primarily social spaces like a resort or a religious or sports organization. You seem to be putting these two together.

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

scrabble?

I may swoon.

[secanth.livejournal.com]

(Smile) Just a side note, but if it were ME going on vacation, I think the only robust discussions I'd be having would be whether to hit the beach, the pool, or the hot tub.

That said, I think you're right about there being a difference. As an almost 50, bi, involved with another female person...well, I feel vastly uncomfortable *showing* that affection in 'public'. My love is even more inhibited about it. When I read the description, my first thought was "Oh, that would be wonderful!". I'd like to feel comfortable enough to 'spoon' with my love...but unless it is someplace specifically designated as such and that I KNOW is safe, I can't do it.

Yes, organizations are one thing...but a private vacation is something else. And I think I should have the option of going somewhere I'm comfortable enjoying myself. If no one provides that...well, hiding in hotels rooms to cuddle instead of holding hands down by the pool is a lot less fun.

[tikvah.livejournal.com]

Scrabble? Did a smart funny sapiosexual gender-fluid furry mention Scrabble? I think my knees might be getting weak... ;)

did you say scrabble?

[lapis-lazuli.livejournal.com]

Have board, will travel! :)

(and please consider this a much-belated "it was nice to meet you", because, well, it was nice to meet you, and I've been a bad Lapis and haven't written...)

[eetmewithtoast.livejournal.com]

Beetiger: I think it's mandated that you have a Scrabble Party.

You'll have to allow me to bring Encore (The Song-Filled Sing-Off Game!), because the longest word I put down in Scrabble is usually "cat". But sometimes I can put down "cats"

Scrabble

[cloverr.livejournal.com]

Ahhh..Scrabble; count me in for a game--even though I'm actually kind of lame at it. (well, somebody has to lose) That game always reminds me fondly of my grandmother Pauline, who was a Scrabble whiz. My sister Coleen has inherited the family heirloom Webster's Dictionary, repaired with a strip of red book tape down the spine and marked throughout with handwritten notes as to scrabble point scores and dates of games played. :)

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

So it seems. I didn't realize I could pick up so many cute chicks that way. ;)

We can play Encore too, but only if I can have LeDiva on my team. She's my pop music guru!

Re:

[eetmewithtoast.livejournal.com]

I get a fellow musical starlet on my team!

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Here's a question for you, Secanth... Would you be afraid to show your affection for F******** in front of me? What about in front of Runnerwolf's circle of friends, both genders? What about at a con? What about at a queer convention? What about, I dunno, in front of a bunch of drag queens? What about at a mostly-gay Mardi Gras in Key West? Cripes, how about Capitol Hill, Seattle? ;)

The point is, there are much, much better ways to select for the sort of people who won't threaten or harass you than to cut out an entire chromosome-coupling. These are all cultural things, not biological things, and let's face it... nothing will make you 100% safe, sure as hell not keeping out a bunch of people based on their biological sex, some of whom might have the exact same benign intentions as you and your lover.

The message I get from Pearl's Rainbow is "we're keeping out the men, lucky you." But does that really make you safe? Is there anything stopping, say, a pair of evangelists from the 700 Club from coming in and spoiling your vacation? Can you predict how well a person will welcome your affection for your partner based on their gender? Look me in the eye next time we see each other, and tell me that you think Rik or I need to be secluded from you and Rita because we're a threat. I think there's a better way.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Beetiger: I think it's mandated that you have a Scrabble Party.

Hmm... in this case, you'd better make it women-only because us bois really would be a threat... *predatory grin*