Since I didn't ask...

[beetiger]

Now that I'm pregnant, people seem to have a variety of opinions on what I should do about any baby-related topic, from what I should be eating to circumcision to sleeping arrangements to how long one should breastfeed to whether I should go back to work right away.

I'm trying not to be annoyed by this. In fact, I'm really trying to embrace it, since it's mostly well-meaning.

For this reason, I open this up to you. Please give me unsolicited advice, on any topic (not just baby stuff). Anonymous comments fine. No promises on whether I take any of it.

(I'd do this as a poll, but I wanted to leave the option of long responses.)

Comments

[gen.livejournal.com]

I'm not a mommy, and don't presume to give anybody mommy advice. Kids are different just like people are different.

Although all I'd ask of any mommy is to not take the role of a parent too lightly. I've learned from my parents that parenting is like putting money in a bank. If you don't invest much in it you won't get any back later. I say this because I was a neglected child, and now my parents are old and lonley and wonder why none of us call, or only call when we need money.

I get so much advice from people about my future parenting days. Like how I should have had a kid years ago when I was younger, how I shouldn't wait until my consolidation loan is paid off. How I need to do daycare and public school and blah blah blah blah blah...

Just love your kids.

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

The best advice I can give:

Do what's right for Mothra.

[jenett]

The best thing my parents ever did for me (general parenting, not specific-decision stuff) was to set some guidelines, but give me a fair amount of free rein on how they got implemented.

They made it clear I was expected to study hard, and do my homework - but once I got choices in what I took, I got to make a lot of those choices, and they didn't push a particular one on me.

The other big one is: encourage passion, and allow it to grow.

For my parents, for after-school stuff - they said that I had to be doing something meaningful after school every day (not sitting at home), but they kept it limited, and let me pick what I wanted (until I was 10, it was a combination of Girl Scouts, ice skating/soccer/softball/swimming and music lessons, after that it was pretty much all horseback riding all the time until I went to boarding school.)

This had an additional extra side benefit they hadn't quite realised (and which won't be an issue for you for quite a while, but...): my riding instructor was such a major person I respected that when he said "Knock out being rude to your parents, I know you're a teenager, but you know better", I knocked it off quickly (not that I'd done anything even horribly bad: just a bit of being whiny).

It also provided a very handy "Well, if that's how you're going to talk to me, I guess I won't be driving you to the barn for the next few days" threat. I don't think they ever put that threat into place: it was enough for them to say that, and I'd stop being a brat.

[eetmewithtoast.livejournal.com]

I think you should run around with your hands on your ears and say "LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU" every time someone badgers you with more advice. Really, trust your instincts. Everyone, especially the experts, has a different answer about so many aspects of the whole parenting process. One of my nephews has a very oddly-shaped head because his parents were terrified of SIDS, terrified to lay him on his belly. So the back of his head became flat, and the helmet he wore to correct the deformed skull shape obviously didn't work well enough . . . now his head is mostly pointy. Still very flat in the back and flattish in the front, going to a point. Poor thing, I hope they grow his hair out so the other kids on the playground won't tease him too much.

But you asked for advice, so here's what I would do if I got to help raise a kid someday.

There are three basic things that kids need as dearly as they need warm milk and clean diapers. They need to be cuddled, they need to be sung to, and they need to be read to. It doesn't matter what you read or sing. If you want my suggestions for songs to teach yourself, they're here.

When should you begin the reading, singing and cuddling? Right now! I'm sure you've already been petting your own tummy affectionately- that's about as much of a cuddle as a fetus can feel, alas. But there are studies that show that newborn infants do recognize the sound of their mommies singing songs or reading stories that they've read/sung repeatedly throughout the pregnancy. Don't stop. Don't keep songs and stories as just bedtime activities. I'm sure that your future child would appreciate Bard and your other close friends singing and reading to zir, too.

Other than that, I like the concepts of Attachment Parenting and Co-Sleeping. Ask galeogirl about them, she knows way more than I do. Galeo apologized that Miranda was "so fussy!" when I came over to visit. But she was the quietest, calmest baby I've ever seen. She knows she doesn't need to cry loudly, since Mom's always Right There.

I lived with my parents 'til I was almost 26 (and I still live right above them) because they're so cool. They made boundaries, but they kept an open dialogue with me. I know that if I had a good reason for wanting to be out past curfew as a teen, I could talk to them beforehand and they would almost always OK it. They messed up a bit in adolescence, but the rest of my life they've been really neat. And I probably am preparing for a Completely Unpractical Career (Digital Animator) because I know that I have their complete support for (almost) everything I do or want to become. If you want, I'll introduce you to them this weekend: you can ask them how to go about making a PK. :)

Unsolicited, random advice

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

eat some strawberries
they're in season and plump as
a baby's red cheeks

Here is you solicited, unsolicited advice:

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

Love your child. Sounds easy, and it is while they are real little. Tends to get harder when they start to seperate from you and develop their own personality. At that point you have about as much a chance of loving them as some dude you met in the park one day, but with a bit of an edge because you made their head (and all the other bits). Tell them you love them, and why. DO NOT forget why. Kids know you love em, even when you aren't sure if you do, but they don't always know why. Tell 'em, every single day.
Write down the first moment you set eyes on your new baby. Remember everything and put it on paper and never loose it. You will need it one day, and so will your "baby", though s/he won't be a baby at that point. Don't rely on pictures and memories, write it down.
New feelings of protectiveness will overwhelm you. Be a lioness, but remember, your adversary's child is also being protected by a lioness, so reason needs to be in there somewhere or all there will be is blood and anger. Be as the Libra and balance the issue when needed. If there is no child involved, go for the throat. Adults should know better. ;-)
Everyone knows just what you should be doing, and I have advice for that too. Nod your head and say "You know, I read that somewhere". Resist the urge to debate the matter if you can. If you are speaking to someone with children, chances are this is how SHE did it, and you will be questioning her child rearing skills by suggesting another way. There will be hurt feelings. This isn't necessary, because without telling a lie, AND still completely acknowledging her choices, you have answered. Let it be. Have some tea, rest. Know that while you make mistakes, you will as good a mother as any other really good mother out there if you care enough to ask questions when you are stuck, and worry when you aren't stuck. There is no handbook, we are all just stumbling along and faking it.
**hugs**
P.S. If you DO have a specific question to ask me sometime, please go for it. I will either tell you how things worked for me, or give you the facts if there are some. :)

[secanth.livejournal.com]

My biggest message: Never forget that the child you cuddle, the one who holds your hand, the one who practices selective hearing from birth...is a person. They'll have their own dreams, their own ways, and their own life and loves, and that's as it should be.

As for advice...(grin)...listen a lot...and then do what's best for you and the youngling. If it works with one child, there's no guarentee it will work with anyone else.

And finally: Advice is nice, but babysitters are better.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Have as many people as you like there for you during labor. There were three of us there for our goddaughter's birth, and that was just about right: one for hands for the mother to mash and to whisper encouragement and get told to shut up by the mother; one for pushing on the lower back to relieve some of the pain and snarling at nurses; and one for handling the phone when the mother's mother decided to call/running errands/propping up one leg during crowning. :)

[supersocks.livejournal.com]

If it's a girl, give her trucks and bugs and giant robots!
If it's a boy, give him dolls and costumes and horses!

[aprivatefox.livejournal.com]

Here's the advice my mom gave me (mostly gathered from raising my brother and me, both of whom I humbly think turned out fairly well.)
Overestimate Mothra. When zie does something that the parenting books, or the doctors, or the whoeverthehecks say zie can't possibly be doing at that age, don't believe them. Have faith in zir, too. When zie isn't doing something everyone says is Absolutely Essential, trust that zie'll get to it eventually. It's not a race. Pacing doesn't matter.
Read. Read, read, read, read, read. And don't be afraid to read stuff that zie "can't possibly understand," for the same reasons given above.
It goes without saying that you need to love zir unconditionally - you've already got that down, I suspect. You don't need any of this advice at all. Do well by Mothra!

[freeko.livejournal.com]

Well I would say patience and understanding are the key, as well as love. As well as a loving family of friends.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

* Save the poor kid a lot of grief in high school. Make sure Mothra is subtitled, not dubbed.

* Make four copies of Mothra and send each one to a trusted friend, with instructions for them to do the same. If you break the chain, Mothra will grow up unable to relate to ski instructors and will comically confuse the words "eminent and imminent." If you continue the chain, Mothra will marry a Swiss chocolatier and master Esperanto by age seven!

* Check Mothra's skin thoroughly for unexpected numerals soon after birth. Many parents wait until after their children show signs of prophetic destiny, making unexplained horns and wings an annoying obstacle! And remember -- if you find three of the same digit, Mothra may already be a winner!

* You seem to have missed the point of these "well-meaning" parents' advice. If you hurry, there may still be time to catch up. Write every single word of their advice in a locking notebook or a secure PDA. Precisely one month before Mothra's expected arrival date, you will be receiving a postcard in the mail with a decyphering key. Memorize the text, then destroy the postcard. Every tenth letter of the decoded text will reveal your real instructions. Follow them to the letter and Mothra will be perfect in every way -- just like their children were!

* Remember that Mothra will be inheriting a mixture of your genes and Bard's. Thus, the odds are excellent that Mothra will be even smarter than both of you. You may with to skip the standard 26-letter alphabet and go straight on to teaching the kid the alien metalanguage of your race. Rik brought a Geiger counter to Yorktown Heights. We know all about you and we think we know where you're hiding the star cruiser. Fess up.

[blither.livejournal.com]

Grin and bear the unwanted advice, it won't end with your pregnancy. However, perfect strangers coming up to rub your tummy, will. You might want to perfect the polite sidestep or the 'Touch me and I'm *so* going to touch you back" look. (The latter worked best for me)

Have confidence in yourself as a parent and don't sweat the 'should haves.'

Don't get so involved in what other children are doing that you might not recognize you own child's uniqueness.

Don't fall into the trap of 'getting them the very best of everything, even if it kills you.' What they really need and want more than anything else is our time.

Start collecting your very favorite books from your childhood, ask others to contribute.

Buckle your seatbelt and prepare for a bumpy (albeit tremendously wonderful) ride.

Learn the secret handshake. =)

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

Few rules and strict punishments are better than lots of rules and no punishments.

Yelling doesn't work.

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

very wise.

No advice, just an offer

[tikvah.livejournal.com]

If strangers and acquaintances start touching your belly without asking permission to the point of bothering you, let me know, and I can make you a button that says, "My belly is not public domain, get your hands off NOW!"

(Or something along those lines...)

Re: No advice, just an offer

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

I have my own button press, but I will remember this idea should it become necessary. :)

[pobig.livejournal.com]

It is always something.

It is more complicated than you think.

One size never fits all.

In protocol design, perfection has been.. wait a minute. This isn't advice to parents, it's RFC 1925.

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

Heh. S'okay. I really wasn't looking just for parenting advice, or I'd have posted this over at projectmothra.

[wordslinger.livejournal.com]

Briefly:

Read everything you can on parenting. The books that worked best for me were the "I'm okay, you're okay" series.

See things from your kid's point of view. The mall may be fun to tall adult people, but to a three year old where everything is above eye level and you're being dragged along at a gallop, it's unpleasant.

Telling the kid firmly, "I said NO" and then putting them in their crib is the best way of disciplining them from the start. It's nonviolent, it's effective.

Always keep blank paper and pencils and reading books with you. When things get boring for the kid, hand out the paper and pencils.

Always, ALWAYS praise the good. "You were wonderful at the restaurant!" "I know it was so boring at the mall, but you were so good!"

I can't stress that last point enough. Thank the kid, give them the respect you give an adult, listen to their opinions, take their suggestions, thank them when they behave well.

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

I haven't been there yet, so umm I dunno.

My full sister has always mentioned being astonished at how many recieving blankets she went through, as spit pad, small blankies etc. Evidently tey were very useful to her. Might want to stock up, or keep a list of what you wun out of so you don't have to blank in memory when the bard or you goes to the store.

Maslow should be a good read. From doing a year or so of child daycare (without the proper classes etc.) I know it is absolutely possible and usually easy to keep discipline peacefully, with respect and without corporal punishment. Setting arbitrary future deadlines works too, such as In Two Weeks You Are A Big Enough Girl To Clean Your Room Before Naptime, but have a practise session once or twice beforehand. But giving the warning so they could emotionally prepare and think helped a lot. ummm What Secanth and Wordslinger said. OOooh, and from the childdaycare I learned that if I gritted my teeth through noise (like shouting along to the drum) they did stop eventually and usually only 5-15 minutes after I had reached my breaking point.

You are going to be fine! You're good.

[tempralisis.livejournal.com]

This is advice for a few years from now, but…
How to get your kid to tell you the truth: guaranteed to possibly work some of the time!
Truth Bear (or some other similar stuffed animal/ inanimate object/ etc.). When you want your child to give you the truth, wave said object in front of your kid and say in a squeaky voice (obviously coming from said object) to “tell the truth!”. (Specifically, tell the truth to the object, not you.) There is one catch. You can’t actually do anything with the truth. You can’t punish your kid, or in fact act on it in any way. Otherwise the trick doesn’t work. Anyway, this worked well on me until, about… um… middle school.

-Tau

Comment from ShiroTora

[(Anonymous)]

well here you've made a mistake, you've asked an internet community for their opinions on anything! Boy is your inbox going to overflow!
(rant)
Since you mentioned circumcision, I'll tackle that one. I personally consider it mutilation. Lets take a newborn baby, and, without anesthetic mind you, chop a little piece off of one of the most sensitive parts of their body. Why? Religious reasons? I think it might have made sense when Moses and his followers were wandering in the desert, hey, that sand gets *everywhere* but in today's age of modern sanitation what's the point? It's not even like it's a form of personal sacrifice to affirm one's faith; I'd have no problem if it was done by choice when the boy becomes a man, say at his barmitzfa (did I spell that right?) but this is a baby we're talking about to whom God is the smile on the face of the loving parents who hold him, love him, feed him and make his hurts *go away*.
The other argument is "well it's so much cleaner," to this my response is "Do you have access to clean water? good. pull the foreskin back and wash his glans. Use a q-tip if you're not confident you can clean him with a babywipe or a facecloth. If cleanliness is your main argument for circumcision, then you should also pull out all of you baby's fingernails and also have their ears cut off. It's much harder to clean under a baby's nails and in his earlobes than it is to clean under his foreskin.
"If a million people do a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing" (wish i could remember who first said that)
(/rant)