Sun, surf, and segregation

[beetiger]

I’m back from a week of pure escapist lounging in Key West. I managed to get plenty of sun without collecting a sunburn, plenty of water while only getting slightly queasy once or twice, several slices of excellent Key Lime pie, the opportunity to commune with both stray cats and chickens and captive butterflies, and my recommended weekly allowance of drag shows. The week’s soundtrack was overall excellent, though lediva did lament the lack of Beach Boys. Most importantly, I got a well-needed big ol’ chunk of high-quality time with lediva, who is just an amazingly wonderful person to be around.

We stayed at Pearl’s Rainbow, a women-only resort in the old part of Key West, and a perfect home base for wandering around. It was quirky and comfortable and populated by older-than-Spring-Breakers lesbian couples, who lounged around a pool surrounded by tropical plants, sunning themselves. It was cozy and safe feeling and just right. I’m not sure why part of me feels, on a gut level, that these people are more like me than the perfect-in-a-bikini 22 year-old Spring Breakers on the boats, without talking to either of them. It’s all physical stereotyping, and it makes me feel vaguely ashamed when I catch myself at it. Sometimes I feel like a real fake in lesbian spaces, me with the wedding ring and the phallic talisman tucked into my clothing and the sort of straightish look and the determinedly ambisexual spirit.

In general, I’m kind of conflicted about the fact that I really enjoy women’s spaces, gay or straight. I know so many gender-variant people who’d love to be welcomed into that kind of community, and just can’t for physical reasons manage it. I know people in male bodies who are much more safe/caring/loving/add-your-own-stereotype-here than some women that I know. I’ve been in women’s groups where people are gossipy, catty, and just not very nice, and ones where the main topic of conversation is male-bashing. And I can’t really put my finger firmly on what the difference in womanspace is, something that feels energetically different, something about the gender sameness that matters, even though by all reasonable rights it shouldn’t. Nevertheless I really crave it, especially in a spiritual/religious context.

Now I’m back in the office, with a lab bay filled with about seventeen quadrillion boxes that got sent to me during the week, a dusting of snow on the grass outside, and no increase in desire to hang out with my coworkers, whom I’m not sure noticed that I was gone. Life goes on.

Comments

Re: I sold out my gender and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Yup, and again... I don't begrudge FC her need for "safe space," though I think it's the right thing to do for her to try to get over it at whatever pace she can -- and I think that exposure to harmless, degendered swishyboys like me is a pretty good step in the process. :) And yes, having a place that acknowledges lesbian sexuality is better than having nothing but mixed-gendered spaces where masculinity is the default gender-in-power. (I cover this in the 12+ pages of gender-theory rant I wrote on the commute today, might transcribe tonight if I have time.)

Again, I'd be OK with the existence of women-only places if there were real hope of getting feminine-only places. But I think that the theories on which modern feminism bases its defense of these one-gender spaces actually inhibits the development of mixed-gender spaces based on avoiding the problems of masculinity without excluding all males. And I think that's wrong.

I can forgive individual errors here, and I can even forgive people who passively perpetuate the problem in the process of doing other good things, but I can't forgive people who think there's no problem at all.

It's what I call the "Barbie Doctrine" again, and it plagues modern social theory discussions. Most people can't get past the idea of "You're criticizing Practice X, so you must be saying that Practice X is always evil and wrong." It's like, when I try to tell conservative ultra-straight people that Barbie dolls perpetuate bad body image, they fume, "Why do you hate Barbie? It's just a freakin' toy!" But I don't hate Barbie. I think giving a single kid a single Barbie doll is pretty harmless, and I don't begrudge Mattel the right to make a fashion doll with totally unearthly body proportions. :) It is, in itself, pretty harmless. But the cumulative effect of all the toy companies and all the anoxeric little plastic girls in the world is not harmless. It would make for a better world if Mattel at least also made dolls that had "pudgycute pagan chick" proportions and used its PR machine to teach such girls that they, too, were worthy and adorable. It's the refusal of the toy companies to acknowledge the problem or use their power to solve it which is a moral crime.

I have no more problem with Heaven's Pearl than I do with my niece having a full collection of Polly Pocket dolls. She's not a little automaton, she's a bright, assertive and clear-eyed girl with a strong sense of self and a grandmother who's already teaching her not to take any shit from anybody. :D She'll be fine, and if Polly Pockets make her happy, I'm glad she has them. And if Bee and Diva enjoyed their week at Heaven's Pearl, that more than justifies their existence. But all the same... if the feminist community as a whole refuses to deal with the issue of us feminine males, the 5th columnists among the patriarchy who have sold out our gender for nothing but a handful of patronizing apologies, then everybody who runs a women's-only space will have to answer for our fates.

Re: I sold out my gender and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

[secanth.livejournal.com]

I think 46 years of trying to deal is sufficent to prove she's like to. I never said it was right to have JUST places like the Key West one...of course it isn't. I'm not arguing that there shouldn't be places for ALL genders, in all combinations. I'm just trying to say that not everyone can *fit* in your 'accept everything someday' mold.

Re: I sold out my gender and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, like I said, I'm not trying to make this sound like FC's fault. Trauma is irrational by its very nature, and I'd blame the society that allowed that trauma to happen long, long before I'd blame its recipient. I just don't like the way that the feminist movement, in my perception, capitalizes sometimes on that trauma to reinforce its beliefs. It's this whole essentialist idea that feminism can only define itself in opposition to males -- that we're enemies at worst and whiny, self-interested, insincere allies at best. It's like, even if I surrender, I can never be a citizen, and I never wanted to fight in the first place. It's... well, let's just say it's a damned shame that there are some things that, now, I'll never want to talk to you and FC about because there will always be that little haze of doubt about whether I'm treading on sacred space that I'm not welcome on. Turnabout is fair play, but I really truly am sorry and I really truly don't blame either of you. Victims of circumstance. :(

Re: I sold out my gender and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

[secanth.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, in most cases, you wouldn't be treading on scared space...and believe me, we'd let you know if you were, very kindly and with no animosity. FC is open about what I've said here...she's talked about it on debate, for instance...but there are places she doesn't even let ME go. And she's not shy about telling you so, belive me. Neither am I...if it's something I don't want to talk about, I'd tell you. And me, I've got a big mouth anyway, and there's very little of MY life I'm not willing to talk about. (grin)

Re: I sold out my gender and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

[secanth.livejournal.com]

And you are, after all, my kid. And you KNOW the kind of things I talk about with Runnerwolf....