Sun, surf, and segregation

[beetiger]

I’m back from a week of pure escapist lounging in Key West. I managed to get plenty of sun without collecting a sunburn, plenty of water while only getting slightly queasy once or twice, several slices of excellent Key Lime pie, the opportunity to commune with both stray cats and chickens and captive butterflies, and my recommended weekly allowance of drag shows. The week’s soundtrack was overall excellent, though lediva did lament the lack of Beach Boys. Most importantly, I got a well-needed big ol’ chunk of high-quality time with lediva, who is just an amazingly wonderful person to be around.

We stayed at Pearl’s Rainbow, a women-only resort in the old part of Key West, and a perfect home base for wandering around. It was quirky and comfortable and populated by older-than-Spring-Breakers lesbian couples, who lounged around a pool surrounded by tropical plants, sunning themselves. It was cozy and safe feeling and just right. I’m not sure why part of me feels, on a gut level, that these people are more like me than the perfect-in-a-bikini 22 year-old Spring Breakers on the boats, without talking to either of them. It’s all physical stereotyping, and it makes me feel vaguely ashamed when I catch myself at it. Sometimes I feel like a real fake in lesbian spaces, me with the wedding ring and the phallic talisman tucked into my clothing and the sort of straightish look and the determinedly ambisexual spirit.

In general, I’m kind of conflicted about the fact that I really enjoy women’s spaces, gay or straight. I know so many gender-variant people who’d love to be welcomed into that kind of community, and just can’t for physical reasons manage it. I know people in male bodies who are much more safe/caring/loving/add-your-own-stereotype-here than some women that I know. I’ve been in women’s groups where people are gossipy, catty, and just not very nice, and ones where the main topic of conversation is male-bashing. And I can’t really put my finger firmly on what the difference in womanspace is, something that feels energetically different, something about the gender sameness that matters, even though by all reasonable rights it shouldn’t. Nevertheless I really crave it, especially in a spiritual/religious context.

Now I’m back in the office, with a lab bay filled with about seventeen quadrillion boxes that got sent to me during the week, a dusting of snow on the grass outside, and no increase in desire to hang out with my coworkers, whom I’m not sure noticed that I was gone. Life goes on.

Comments

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

If safe mixed-sex feminine spaces were recognized and plentiful in our society, I'd welcome Pearl's Rainbow as one of many alternatives. And I don't necessarily assert that it's "their problem," as private entrepreneurs, to provide such spaces... any more than I necessarily feel it's Mattel's fault for making collectible dolls with the equivalent of 15" waists. But if nobody deals with the problem, we all suffer. And if all the people who possess the means to change the situation refuse to admit there's a problem... you get a lot of anorexic teenaged girls and a lot of self-loathing young adult sissyboys, and I DO think that the entrepreneurs share the blame for that.

A mutual friend of ours tried to console me about women's-only spaces over the weekend... and yet, the best example of a "men's only" space she could come up with is the military, which isn't even a men's only space outside the dubiously appealing social milieu of combat. ;p The whole idea that women's only spaces are OK if there are men's only spaces smacks to me of "separate but equal." By pushing us back towards a gender space that neither welcomes nor describes us, they reinforce the idea that we are "the Other." They disempower gender-smeared people with feminine traits as surely as men's-only and male-biased mixed-gender spaces disempower women.

I feel regularly excluded from so much as becoming emotionally intimate from my female friends, much less from engaging in the casual, friendly flirting exhibited in this very thread. I don't imagine that you will deny that there is a pervasive force in this culture that stereotypes men as invaders, dehumanizing predators with ulterior motives, sex-obsessed boys unable to contact women on high or sincere emotional levels -- that any act of eroticism or even empathy we display is tainted by our nature.

I have absorbed a rather large amount of that disgrace into my self-image, thank you all, and it has impaired by ability to bond with my female friends and feel welcome among them. And I do blame certain strains of feminist ideology, the same sort that supports the idea that women-only spaces are necessary, for this damage. And I don't expect the feminist movement to come weeping with sympathy for me at any time in the foreseeable future.

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

why male-only places like the Scouts and the Augusta tournaments are to be lobbied against, but female-only places like Pearl's Rainbow are to be welcomed.

It's about money, and power. There aren't any women clamoring to get into the eight or so (gay) men's resorts on Key West, the counterparts to Pearl's.

Re:

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Could you clarify a bit? I think I see where you're going -- and darn it, you're beating me to the punch of a full page of my gender rants from the commute today. ;) You mean it's because of the money and power attendant to the Scouts and the Augusta tournaments, right? And to exclude someone's group from a prestigious and high-profile institution like the Augusta Club or the Scouts might very authentically prevent their participation in an "Old Boy's Network" and somewhat curb the excluded group's social power. That is an eminently fair argument... But not everybody wants money and power. What I want is a fair voice in the battle to define the role of gender in our society, recognition of my true self not based on anyone's prejudice, and a safe shelter from machismo and patriarchal power games. Shutting me out of women's social spaces weakens my ability to achieve those things, I would propose, as much as exclusion from a posh country club impairs a female athlete or financier's ability to socialize within her field.

And besides, you know I'm a rare bird... I don't expect that the male equivalent of a fag hag is going to be an accepted stereotype, much less accepted company, any time soon. But I do have the impression that the "fag hag" itself is not uncommon... so I wouldn't be surprised at all if I had a few born-female equivalents somewhere who'd love, at the very least, to sneak a peek. If they exist, they're probably as vocal and visible as people like me are -- i.e., not very. I wouldn't be so sure that they don't exist, though!

Just out of curiosity... have you seen any further "clamor" from men, queer or otherwise, wanting to get into places like Heavens's Pearl? I know Sev complained of men wanting into feminist academic circles, of course, but we already agreed to separate those out... and I would attest that that's different anyhow, because once again, there really is no equivalently male field of gender studies. The very way in which our society frames these debates make such things impossible, as far as I can tell -- it would be laughable, like Martin Mull's "Department of White Studies" jokes. There aren't any women clamoring to get into the debate on our side, because "masculinism" is effectively irrelevant.

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

And to exclude someone's group from a prestigious and high-profile institution like the Augusta Club or the Scouts might very authentically prevent their participation in an "Old Boy's Network" and somewhat curb the excluded group's social power.
Yes. I apologize for any telegraphing or incoherence...I'm not quite my usual self of late.

What I want is a fair voice in the battle to define the role of gender in our society, recognition of my true self not based on anyone's prejudice, and a safe shelter from machismo and patriarchal power games.
But the women's social spaces I'm talking about aren't for battling. They're for retreating, and comfort, and safety, and community.
I really want you to have places to express your wonderful, gender-fluid self in this way. You deserve it. Everyone does. But I'm not sure why you think that getting a ticket into women's space would do that for you.

As far as men clamoring to get into Pearl's, I hadn't heard of any problem. It's a nice place, but the men's only places are more established and probably nicer. As far as I could tell, Pearl's seems to be a good way to get the women out of the gay resorts that are technically for both genders but really set up just for men. :P

Re:

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

They're for retreating, and comfort, and safety, and community.

They're for talking. Talking is powerful. And I did mean the shelter part, too. I balked at talking about the safety and comfort and community part in more detail because... I'm shy about it, darn it. I don't have the words to describe what I want out of that space. To be totally honest, the fact it's still outside of people's imagination why I would want to be there, not just for pure political motives, means I've failed. But the worst just sound toxic when they come out of my mouth, so I'll resume my silence.