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I hit a deer with my car on the way home from work this evening. I missed the first one, and had about half a second of relief before the second one jumped directly in front of my car and bounced off the grille. I kept enough composure to pull over to the side of the road, and the person who had been coming the other way did stop to check that I was unhurt. (I am, physically.) Then I went to look and see what I had done.
The deer was a small one, a doe or maybe a yearling, maybe the child of the bigger one that came just before. She was alive, legs moving once in a while, eyes open. There was no blood. I don't carry a weapon in my car -no gun, no hunting knife - so I couldn't finish the job. I know enough about anatomy, and about killing things in a lab context, that if I thought I'd have the strength and the guts I might have been able to break her neck with my hands and feet, put her out of her misery. But I wasn't sure I could do it well, and couldn't bring myself to attempt it, especially since the risk of getting bitten was definitely there. And I didn't think I could lift her, get her on to my roof and bring her home for a cleaner kill and meat and deal with the legalities later. And the risk of standing much longer on that dark road, in the rain, when someone might try to swerve away from another deer, was also high. So I wept, and I apologized. Then I drove away.
I got home okay, though the car's badly dented in the front, the hood jammed, and quite a bit of leaking seems to be evident on the garage floor. I'm going to get a rental, which I think my insurance will cover. This adds yet another bit of ..er..joy to my new commute. Bard's going to work at home and wait for the insurance adjuster to call. Spending $500 on a deductible, right around the holidays, is not really my favorite idea either.
But mostly, I feel guilty. Not that I hit the deer, which I really couldn't avoid. But that when it came down to it, I who have killed creatures for money, killed them for food before, could not finish what I started, and left this one to die slowly in pain on the side of the road.
The deer was a small one, a doe or maybe a yearling, maybe the child of the bigger one that came just before. She was alive, legs moving once in a while, eyes open. There was no blood. I don't carry a weapon in my car -no gun, no hunting knife - so I couldn't finish the job. I know enough about anatomy, and about killing things in a lab context, that if I thought I'd have the strength and the guts I might have been able to break her neck with my hands and feet, put her out of her misery. But I wasn't sure I could do it well, and couldn't bring myself to attempt it, especially since the risk of getting bitten was definitely there. And I didn't think I could lift her, get her on to my roof and bring her home for a cleaner kill and meat and deal with the legalities later. And the risk of standing much longer on that dark road, in the rain, when someone might try to swerve away from another deer, was also high. So I wept, and I apologized. Then I drove away.
I got home okay, though the car's badly dented in the front, the hood jammed, and quite a bit of leaking seems to be evident on the garage floor. I'm going to get a rental, which I think my insurance will cover. This adds yet another bit of ..er..joy to my new commute. Bard's going to work at home and wait for the insurance adjuster to call. Spending $500 on a deductible, right around the holidays, is not really my favorite idea either.
But mostly, I feel guilty. Not that I hit the deer, which I really couldn't avoid. But that when it came down to it, I who have killed creatures for money, killed them for food before, could not finish what I started, and left this one to die slowly in pain on the side of the road.
