beetiger

Spurred on by the book Candy Freak and by my desire to actually develop food-related content for this journal again, I ordered a big old box of regional chocolate bars from favoritesof.com. They sent two bars each of a dozen kinds. I know these are all regional favorites, many of which people grew up with, so if I'm trashing one of your favorites, I apologize.

Here's what I thought:
(Ratings are out of five, with zero being inedible and five being magnificent)

Rocky Road - Annabelle Candy Co., Calif
Dark Chocolate with Cashews:
Overall rating: 1.5
A thick bar of chewy, dense marshmallow, enrobed in a barely adequate dark chocolate. It reminded me of the marshmallow in the kosher Joyva twists that you can get during the Jewish holidays, which means that this would probably be nice frozen. However, you'd need to whack it with a hammer when you went to eat it, as I think a bar that thick would destroy your teeth otherwise. The top had a lumpy sort of look to it, and tasted a bit mealy. Reading the wrapper revealed the "problem" -- there were supposed to be cashews and malted milk pieces in that top layer. Whatever was in there was soft and crushed, and didn't taste like much of anything, and got caught in your teeth a bit. If you're going to put nuts (or other inclusions) in a candy bar, make them big enough to make a flavor difference, and a positive texture difference rather than just kind of messing up your chocolate. Yuck! No bad flavors in this one, but poorly executed overall. Not worth importing across the country.

Dark Chocolate Mint with Cashews:
Overall rating: 1
Like the other one, but worse. The marshmallow filling is dyed green, and has a wussy mint flavor that comes out only after any notable chocolate flavor has already dissapated from your mouth. I couldn't finish this one. Only barely edible.

Dark Chocolate with Cashews
Overall rating: 2
Best of the series. With the Dark Chocolate, this tastes a lot like the Joyva twists, except too thick. The nuts were a bit chunkier, but still way too ground up to make a decent inclusion. I noticed on their website that the company makes these in minis, and I bet those would be better in terms of the chocolate/marshmallow ratio.

U-NO, Annabelle Candy Company
Overall rating: 2
Sort of a truffle bar gone wrong. A thin chocolate coating over a uniform-looking bar of chocolate stuff, which manages to be slippery-feeling in the mouth (palm oil + buttermilk, anyone?) while still being incredibly dry. It reminded me of the chocolate chip cookie dough in poorly-formulated ice cream, when the water balance is wrong and it all dries out. There were also occasional bits of nasty grit, which I think from the ingredient line were supposed to be almonds, some nasty pockets of extreme saltiness, and an overall flavor of vague cocoa-nuttiness. Not quite as bad as the Rocky Road bars, but almost.

Valomilk - Sifer Candy Co, Kansas
Overall rating: 4.5
Milk chocolate cups filled with runny marshmallow. The ingredient line keeps it simple, so I guess they are meeting the standards of identity: it just says "Chocolate and Marshmallow". The chocolate was excellent, smooth and with a good snap when you bit into it. The filling reminded me of the jarred Marshmallow Fluff (which by the way, I love), but with more vanilla. It didn't run down your chin as the candy advertises, which is what I was looking for from it -- if it had, this would have been a five. I think this is probably due to shipping in cold weather; the centers probably froze and then thawed out to a firmer texture than they had originally. A sweet candy, but somehow not too cloying. Does what it is intending to do, very simply. I'll likely reorder these at some point.

Goo Goo Clusters, Standard Candy, Nashville, TN.
Original:
Overall rating: 3.5
A round bar, with roasted peanuts, caramel, and marshmallow, enrobed in milk chocolate. The peanuts are intact halves(some with skin!), roasted the right amount, and had a clean, nonrancid taste. The caramel and marshmallow are mixed together (in swirls, I think), so the whole thing has a chewy caramel texture without much marshmallow character to it, though you can see the white streaks in there. The chocolate was not extremely notable, but good in quality. It's got a sort of messy abundance to it that I can definitely appreciate.

Supreme:
Overall rating:3.5
Similar to the Original, but with crushed pecans in place of the peanut halves. I usually prefer pecans to peanuts, but not in this confection -- they are a bit too soft and crushed, though there are plenty of them. The more uniform top makes this a bit less crumbly and easier to eat than the Original, though, so it balances out.

Peanut Butter:
Overall rating: 3.5
A soft peanut butter filling replaces the caramel/marshmallow in this one. Sort of like a Reese's cup, but the center was not as dry or darkly roasted (although the flavor was well balanced), and the chocolate was soft, and in the bar I tried, slightly bloomed. Pretty nice as line extensions go if you were committed to the brand, but on its own I was left a bit underinspired.

Bun, Pearson Candy Co., St, Paul, MN
Vanilla and Roasted Peanuts:
Overall rating: 2
A round piece of fondant, similar to that you'd find in a York Peppermint patty if you took out the peppermint, sprinkled with small peanut halves and enrobed sloppily (ie the chocolate extended outside the obviously round center in two directions). No real vanilla character in the fondant. Chocolate and peanut quality similar to what you'd expect from the major brands. Full of mainstream candy crap like soy protein, "natural syrup" (which I assume means corn syrup, except they don't guarantee it is from corn), and artificial vanilla flavor. Has a sweet aftertaste that just won't quit.

Maple and Roasted Peanuts:
Overall rating: 2.5
Structurally identical to the vanilla one, but with a tan version of the fondant which was not distinctively maple in character, but more in the realm of a grainy cooked brown sugar, like you might find in a New Orleans praline, only not buttery and somewhat artificial tasting. I suppose it could remind you of a really mild maple sugar candy if you felt really generous about it. Nevertheless, I thought this flavor pulled the bar together with the peanuts and chocolate better than the vanilla version.

I was supposed to get the caramel version too, but they forgot to send it in my sampler. Oh well. Not missing it too badly.

Nut Goodie, Pearson Candy Company, St. Paul, MN
Overall rating: 3
As far as I can tell, this is te same bar as the Bun Maple under a different name/packaging. The ingredient line, and the taste, are identical. The Nut Goodie appeared to have a few more peanuts, but I'm guessing this is batch variation rather than a formulation difference. Odd.

Moon Pie (Double Decker Chocolate Flavor), Chatanooga Bakery, TN
Overall rating: 5
Moon Pies aren't actually chocolate bars, so I don't know why they were included in this sampler, except of course for the fact that they totally rock. *They* don't even really think they are essentially a chocolate confection; they come in lemon, strawberry, and vanilla as well, these days. Three layers of soft, flakey, cakelike cookie with perfectly springy marshmallow in between, and a lightly applied compound coating on the outside. Just the thickness that you need to think about opening your mouth wide to eat it. The platonic ideal of the kind of thing Hostess tries to do. Put it in the microwave for a few seconds and it's like the perfect S'more, but soft so it stays together right, and without the smoke inhalation damage. Gods, I love these things. My Tennessee friends are lucky...or maybe not. I wouldn't want to turn this exquisite a junk food into a mundane treat.

This was fun!