Wow... I had a similar discussion last night with a friend... but it wasn't about friendship so much as whether or not one can respect a person with views directly opposing their own.
I'm finding it hard to think of something that would make it impossible for me to be friends with someone. Other than them just not liking me, or vice versa.
I *do* hate plenty of people, and could not be friends with them, but the criteria listed here don't really seem relevant.
I tried to fill it out as honestly as I could, but in a lot of cases it really depends on the person. I had a very good friend in University who was a hardcore Christian, but we got along great because she never tried to convert me or push her views on me. So in that sense, the disagreement was a non-issue as oppose to someone else who'd disagree but make it an issue, you know what I mean?
The political stuff varies too. Right now, I have a lot of trouble respecting someone who still plans to vote for Bush this year, but any other year I wouldn't have cared as much about the politics.
And as to someone who has hurt me, it would depend on who the person is and what our history is. I once felt betrayed by my best friend of a lifetime, but we got past it and we're back to normal. If anyone else had done the same thing she did, I probably would not continue the friendship with the same level of trust.
My point being, there are things that I know I'm willing to try to overlook in that department on a general basis, but it really depends on the person. I think a person is more than the sum of their opinions. :)
See, the thing is, a lot of it depends on attitude. I can be friends with someone with a different perspective than I have, even with strongly-held beliefs, as long as we can both be respectful of each other. We can disagree, even argue, as long as it doesn't come down to name-calling, unpleasant assumptions based on the different stances we're taking, sweeping assumptions.. that sort of thing.
As long as we can disagree respectfully, it's much easier to remain friends with them. Granted, in some situations, disagreeing respectfully just means avoiding the topics of disagreement, especially when one or both of us feel strongly about the topic.
I can like (or even love) someone with a wildly different belief system than I have as long as we're not trying to push/pull/bully each other onto the other side, and as long as we share other interests or as long as we have other qualities that give some kind of positive energy to the friendship. I think I'd be bored if everyone I knew and liked agreed with my views on everything and thought exactly the same way that I do.
The core beliefs I insist other friends share with me are human values: respect, compassion, responsibility, that sort of thing. Everything else is a refreshing opportunity to hear something you don't believe and see how you feel about it.
If people push, I wait. If they push more, I keep waiting. If they continue to push after I've patiently waited for them to get the hint that I don't want to have anything to do with the pushing, then I snap back.
I was thinking something along the same lines. I can deal with a vast gulf of opinion as long as I feel like the other person is arguing on fair terms and would seriously consider any counterargument I give them. If I get the prevailing sense that their opinions are fixed, I'm wrong by definition in their little world, and they persist in making unwarranted assumptions about me and my beliefs without really listening to me, I don't feel too much guilt in letting them go.
I don't even care if their belief makes them automatically assume that I am wrong. So long as they (and I) can be respectful and civil about each other's right to be wrong, and doesn't make me a bad person because I'm wrong, we're cool.
My belief is that Christians are automatically wrong. Theirs is not the only god, and is not the only path to a happy afterlife.
Yet I have friends who are Christians... because they can believe that I'm damned for being a heathen, and still be friends with me... and I can respect their belief that they've got the only game in town, without viewing them as less amiable people for that.
Now, you start thinking that I'm less of a person because I'm a heathen and damned, and we're not going to spend much time together.
Some people cannot tolerate differences of opinion that is why people surround themselves with like minded people. My attitude is Hey! I am secure in my beliefs that my core beliefs are not going to be shaken and I am open minded enough to let a differing Point of view in my life and curious enough intellectually to explore that point of view. Very Little bothers me but I guess if you put people who act out of expediency that be a sore point for me and I have very little tolerance for that.
I don't really feel comfortable filling that poll out, since it all depends so much on the person and the circumstances. I could see myself going either way on practically all of them.
A lot of the answers depend on the other person. If they agree to disagree, things are good. If they insist that I must capitulate, and their way is the only way, and there is an absolute true and an absolute false, then there will be problems. Similarly, very devout people often earn my respect if they live what they preach. Very devout people earn little but a could shoulder if they try to molest me into joining their faith.
On political and social issues, it would depend on what issue, and the nature of the disagreement. On religious issues, I probably disagree with myself, as well as with most of my friends in various ways. Again, on ethical matters, it depends on what, how long ago, and whether it was a repeated pattern.
I started to try to fill this out, but so few of the questions were simple yes–no questions for me that I gave up.
Interesting categories that I can be friends with, at least under some circumstances:
has hurt me badly, but has apologized
has done something highly unethical that does not affect me directly, and appears to feel sorry for the behavior
disagrees with me on religious issues (probably more than half of my friends are pagan of some flavour, and I’m not any kind of religious. However, it has been a problem with the rare person or so whose model of the world just can’t be mapped onto mine in any way)
Interesting categories that I might not be able to be friends with, depending on the circumstances/degree:
disagrees with me on political issues
disagrees with me on social issues (I have no idea how this is different from “political issues”)
For almost all of these, though, I could only answer with more information (i.e., a fairly concrete scenario). In fact, I’m sure I could come up with circumstances where the choices I’ve listed above would come out the other way.
Politics and other moral issues are pretty important to me, though.
I feel like such a cop-out on this particular question, but the problem is that I *have* friends who fall into all of the above categories. Of course, just how strong those friendships are is another question, and I'm always worried that people in some of those categories may believe I'm closer to them than I really feel like I am, but that's another subject entirely. :/
Err ... those aren't simple yes-or-no issues. It all has to do with attitude.
I permanently lost a friend because he thought the gay marriage issue was hysterically funny, and when I told him he was being hurtful he replied "I'll say whatever I want, if you can't take it don't talk to me."
On the other hand, I'm still friends with the ex who almost singlehandedly ruined my entire life, because there was no malice in it.
BTW, the first friend I listed dumped me, not the other way around. When his LJ turned into a litany of links to homophobic rants and fake rainbow memes I unfriended him, and he responded by immediately blocking my e-mail, my messenger services, and every other way I had to contact him but telephone.
So I guess that doesn't even really count as my being unable to tolerate a friend with different views.
Generally, if someone can agree to disagree (doesn't mean you can't argue, bantering can be fun, you just have to be able to stop when it's not funny anymore), and won't rub something I don't agree with AT ALL in my face, I'm fine with them.
And I've forgiven people for far too much crap in the past, and will continue to do so. Dang pushover. ;)
I didn't check the last two, but I probably should have, since I can be friends with people who fall into either category. (Well, it depends on how unethical the behavior is. If it's something like "cheating his way through college" or "stealing small quantities of office supplies" I would be very likely to tolerate it. If it were "supports his extravagant lifestyle by embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars a month", I'd probably turn her over to the cops.) But, in any case, those are the ones that are most likely to make me disassociate from a friend.
The others were pretty easy to check. I may draw back from someone who disagrees with me violently, but I don't think I've ever decided "hey, he's a bad person because of that" or "I don't want to socialize with him any more".
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I *do* hate plenty of people, and could not be friends with them, but the criteria listed here don't really seem relevant.
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The political stuff varies too. Right now, I have a lot of trouble respecting someone who still plans to vote for Bush this year, but any other year I wouldn't have cared as much about the politics.
And as to someone who has hurt me, it would depend on who the person is and what our history is. I once felt betrayed by my best friend of a lifetime, but we got past it and we're back to normal. If anyone else had done the same thing she did, I probably would not continue the friendship with the same level of trust.
My point being, there are things that I know I'm willing to try to overlook in that department on a general basis, but it really depends on the person. I think a person is more than the sum of their opinions. :)
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As long as we can disagree respectfully, it's much easier to remain friends with them. Granted, in some situations, disagreeing respectfully just means avoiding the topics of disagreement, especially when one or both of us feel strongly about the topic.
I can like (or even love) someone with a wildly different belief system than I have as long as we're not trying to push/pull/bully each other onto the other side, and as long as we share other interests or as long as we have other qualities that give some kind of positive energy to the friendship. I think I'd be bored if everyone I knew and liked agreed with my views on everything and thought exactly the same way that I do.
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The core beliefs I insist other friends share with me are human values: respect, compassion, responsibility, that sort of thing. Everything else is a refreshing opportunity to hear something you don't believe and see how you feel about it.
If people push, I wait. If they push more, I keep waiting. If they continue to push after I've patiently waited for them to get the hint that I don't want to have anything to do with the pushing, then I snap back.
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If someone doesn't believe that I have a right to hold my opinion, then we have trouble, regardless of how deep or shallow the issue is.
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My belief is that Christians are automatically wrong. Theirs is not the only god, and is not the only path to a happy afterlife.
Yet I have friends who are Christians... because they can believe that I'm damned for being a heathen, and still be friends with me... and I can respect their belief that they've got the only game in town, without viewing them as less amiable people for that.
Now, you start thinking that I'm less of a person because I'm a heathen and damned, and we're not going to spend much time together.
You see what I'm illustrating?
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Interesting categories that I can be friends with, at least under some circumstances:
Interesting categories that I might not be able to be friends with, depending on the circumstances/degree:
For almost all of these, though, I could only answer with more information (i.e., a fairly concrete scenario). In fact, I’m sure I could come up with circumstances where the choices I’ve listed above would come out the other way.
Politics and other moral issues are pretty important to me, though.
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I permanently lost a friend because he thought the gay marriage issue was hysterically funny, and when I told him he was being hurtful he replied "I'll say whatever I want, if you can't take it don't talk to me."
On the other hand, I'm still friends with the ex who almost singlehandedly ruined my entire life, because there was no malice in it.
Life's funny that way.
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So I guess that doesn't even really count as my being unable to tolerate a friend with different views.
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And I've forgiven people for far too much crap in the past, and will continue to do so. Dang pushover. ;)
-Alexandra
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The others were pretty easy to check. I may draw back from someone who disagrees with me violently, but I don't think I've ever decided "hey, he's a bad person because of that" or "I don't want to socialize with him any more".