![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Clearing Old Debts
Jul. 1st, 2005 09:01 pmIn my life, there are some things I've just dropped the ball on. Little things, things it wouldn't even pay to think about anymore except that somehow the failure got filed in my brain under "why you suck", one of the files I do revisit regularly.
Back when I was in grad school and just thinking about paganism, I lost all the letters packaged up for a physical letter round-robin group I was in, together with about $10 people had put in there to cover postage and the like. I never followed up with the coordinator. I bought a gift for the colleague of my dad's who helped us with the closing on our house -- he lived in the neighborhood -- but then I put off giving it to him for a while, and then after my dad died suddenly a few months later and my stepmom was having fights about money with the firm, it just seemed implausible to call him up. Things like that. They kind of become part of the low level background noise guilt of life. I kind of expect that, Jewish heritage and all.
But even more frustrating are those little situations niggling at the back of my mind in which someone owed *me* something and never came through. An old friend from Ithaca loved a slightly defective kaleidoscope I'd made, which reflected nine images instead of eight. I gave it to her, in exchange for a painting commission. She "never felt inspired enough" or "didn't have the money for paint" in the rest of the few years before I moved away. There are a few small art commissions here and there that I paid for and never got. Various random people owe me five or ten bucks. People made small promises to me and didn't keep them. Little stuff. But somehow it sticks with me. I suspect I'm not the only one who has trouble letting these things go.
I don't want to be that for any of you, and in my bad moments I think I've disappointed everyone. So, here's a chance. If you think I owe you something, no matter how small, let me know here. Comments screened, though if the debt is funny or not personal I might go ahead and unscreen (let me know if you don't want me to.) I'll do what I can to fix it/make amends if I can. If I can't, I'll add it to the guilt pile, and at least I'll have something specific to look at if I'm wondering if I've failed you.
Back when I was in grad school and just thinking about paganism, I lost all the letters packaged up for a physical letter round-robin group I was in, together with about $10 people had put in there to cover postage and the like. I never followed up with the coordinator. I bought a gift for the colleague of my dad's who helped us with the closing on our house -- he lived in the neighborhood -- but then I put off giving it to him for a while, and then after my dad died suddenly a few months later and my stepmom was having fights about money with the firm, it just seemed implausible to call him up. Things like that. They kind of become part of the low level background noise guilt of life. I kind of expect that, Jewish heritage and all.
But even more frustrating are those little situations niggling at the back of my mind in which someone owed *me* something and never came through. An old friend from Ithaca loved a slightly defective kaleidoscope I'd made, which reflected nine images instead of eight. I gave it to her, in exchange for a painting commission. She "never felt inspired enough" or "didn't have the money for paint" in the rest of the few years before I moved away. There are a few small art commissions here and there that I paid for and never got. Various random people owe me five or ten bucks. People made small promises to me and didn't keep them. Little stuff. But somehow it sticks with me. I suspect I'm not the only one who has trouble letting these things go.
I don't want to be that for any of you, and in my bad moments I think I've disappointed everyone. So, here's a chance. If you think I owe you something, no matter how small, let me know here. Comments screened, though if the debt is funny or not personal I might go ahead and unscreen (let me know if you don't want me to.) I'll do what I can to fix it/make amends if I can. If I can't, I'll add it to the guilt pile, and at least I'll have something specific to look at if I'm wondering if I've failed you.
